Marital Miranda Rights

A husband and wife were having an argument in their kitchen. Voice were raised in shouts, plates were being thrown, and he had just accused her of being unfaithful claiming that rather than going to her Mother’s she was probably going to some club with her friend.

The woman’s best friend arrived to pick her up and take her to her mother’s house. The friend was a cop, and knew that if she did not intervene, she was going to have to arrest one or both people, and likely take someone to the hospital. Through the window, she saw the husband lift his hand in an angry gesture, and she yelled freeze.

As she walked in to the house, she told the wife to go into the bedroom and wait for her. The husband turned on her in anger, and she placed her hand on her gun, saying the first things that popped into her mind:

“You have the right to shut up. If you choose to keep talking, anything you say can and most likely will be taken out of context and misquoted in a this and all future arguments with your spouse before, during, and after the divorce trial. You have the right to an attorney, although it won’t do you any good. If you cannot afford a good attorney, you will be requested and required to pay spousal support, child support, rehabilitative support to cover all costs of moving on after she dumps your sorry ass and reimbursement support for the trips to the Bahamas with her new lover…Xavier.”

The wife receive half of his assets and he gets to see his children on alternating weekends.

Never ask a Georgia grandma a question if you aren’t prepared for the answer

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’

She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’

She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.

Golfing Confession

A man goes to the confessional and begins, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”

 

“What is your sin, my son?” the priest asks back.

 

“Well,” the man starts, “I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible.”

 

 “When did you use this awful language?” asks the priest.

 

 “I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.”

 

“Is that when you swore?”

 

“No, Father,” says the man.

 

“After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth, and began to run away.”

 

“Is that when you swore?” asks the priest again.

 

“Well, no,” says the man. “You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”

 

“Is that when you swore?” asks the amazed priest.

 

“No, not yet,” the man replies.

 

“As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew toward the green. As it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball.”

 

“Did you swear then?” asks the now impatient priest.

 

“No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, rolled through a sand trap onto the green, and stopped within six inches of the hole.”

 

 The priest sighs. “You missed. didn’t you?”

Jesus’s Chauffeur

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement , and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.

“You know” he said, “I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?”

The driver said, “No problem. Have at it.”

Billy gets into the driver’s seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.

The young trooper walked up to the driver’s door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving. He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. He told the supervisor, “I know we are supposed to enforce the law…. But I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.”

The supervisor asked, “Is it the governor?”

The young trooper said, “No, he’s more important than that.”

The supervisor said, “Oh, so it’s the president.”

The young trooper said, “No, he’s even more important than that.”

The supervisor finally asked, “Well then, who is it?”

The young trooper said, “I think it’s Jesus, because he’s got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!”

A Marrital Intervention

“Honey,” said this husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.” “What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn’t go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking fancy meals!” “I know all that.” “Then why did you invite a friend for supper?” “Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.”

Luckily I have my flashdrive, or the Shittiest excuse ever.

I know I came up with some bullshit in my day, but this student takes the cake. Fuck taking the cake, he stole that bitch, and sold it on Ebay.

shitmystudentswrite:

Please excuse my absence today. My former roommate fell off a balcony and died. My current roommate’s mother died and one of my good buddies from home his brother killed himself. This all happened yesterday. Luckily I have my flashdrive with me.

That’s my boy!

I somehow feel a sort of kinship with this particular knothead.

shitmystudentswrite:

I believe that if X-rated movies would have been shown at film festivals in 1973 a lot of people probably would have liked them but at the same time the government would probably want to get them to stop showing those movies.