How I Got Into Cord Cutting

When I was in my twenties, I was not a person who watched a lot of television. I occasionally turned the TV on for background noise, but I didn’t have much interest in actively watching. I had cable because I liked to watch the occasional crime drama or criminal procedural show, but I was never one to sit and watch the Big Bang Theory, House, or Dexter.
Continue reading “How I Got Into Cord Cutting”

Never ask a Georgia grandma a question if you aren’t prepared for the answer

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’

She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’

She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.

Grandma and the Banker

A little old lady went into the Bank one day carrying a bag of money. She asked to speak with the bank president to open an account because … “It’s a lot of money!” The reluctant staff finally ushered her into his office.

 

The bank president asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, “$165,000!” and dumped the cash on his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash,

 

He asked her, “Ma’am, where did you get this money?” The old lady replied, “I make bets.” The president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?” The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.”

 

“Ha!” laughed the president, “That’s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!” The old lady challenged, “So, would you like to take my bet?” “Sure,” said the president, “I’ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!” The old lady said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?” “Sure!” replied the confident president.

 

That night, he was very nervous about the bet and often checked his balls in the mirror. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: “$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!” The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. “Well, Okay,” said the president, “$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.”

 

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president said, “What’s wrong with your lawyer?” She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I’d have the Bank president’s balls in my hand!”

The Pastor and the Donkey

The pastor of a small church entered his donkey in a race and it won.  The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another Race a few weeks later, and it won again.  The local paper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.

 

The Bishop was so upset with this sort of publicity that he told the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races.  The pastor, following the orders of his Bishop contacted the stables informing them of the changes. The next day, the local paper headline read:  BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.

 

This was way too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of it.  The pastor decided that he would give the donkey to a nun in a nearby convent.  The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:  NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

 

 The bishop fainted. After recovering, he informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer  for $10.  The next day the paper read:  NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

 

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.  The next day the headlines read:  NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

 

The bishop was buried the next day.

 

The moral of the story: being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery. It can even shorten your life. Be yourself and enjoy life.

 

In other words: Stop worrying about everyone else’s ass and you’ll be a lot happier and live longer!

How Would Jesus Drive

A stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard was tailgating a man. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.  He did the right thing by stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

 

 The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him.  While in the midst of her tirade against the other man’s “stupidity”, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

 

 The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.  He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.

 

 After a couple of hours, a police officer approached the cell and opened the door.  She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

 

 He said, “I’m very sorry for this mistake.  You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the person off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at the top of your lungs.  I noticed the “What Would Jesus Do” bumper sticker, the “Follow Me to Sunday School” bumper sticker and the chrome-plated fish emblem on the trunk.”

 

“Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.”

A Love Riddle

Love is a virtue representing all of humanity’s kindness, compassion, and affection; and the unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another. Love may also be described as actions towards others or oneself based on compassion, or as actions towards others based on affection. According to William Shakespeare, “Love is not time’s Fool,” but it is often fooled by the misguided activities of the objects of one’s affections. You can love your whole family, or simply love your mother. You can love a favored pet, your Learjet, or just bask in the arms of another. Who or whatever you love, make sure that your love is returned. Wasted love is pain, and that should not be the name of your game. I find myself in love with a few people. My friends have one love, all due to their closeness and their caring for me. My family, as they have always looked out after me; consoling me and reassuring me that “All things have a possibility.” And finally the love that shall never be claimed as it is definitely in vain. I love one who I’ve never met. I’ve interacted with them, told stories about them, and consider them a good influence on my world. They keep me sane when times are crazy. They leave me focused, when the facts are hazy. I love them, and I know that I’ll do what it takes to help them when I have the ability. If you read this, feel free to guess. Is this blog post about you? The answer is probably not. 99.9 percent of folks won’t be able to guess who I mean. That one person won’t ever guess. And yes, I will obviscate if requested to reveal my secret. Remember friends, the best kept secret trusts only one persons with its existence. Shakespeare, William. (1609). “let me Not to the marriage of True minds.”

An RVAMaverick creation.