Marital Miranda Rights

A husband and wife were having an argument in their kitchen. Voice were raised in shouts, plates were being thrown, and he had just accused her of being unfaithful claiming that rather than going to her Mother’s she was probably going to some club with her friend.

The woman’s best friend arrived to pick her up and take her to her mother’s house. The friend was a cop, and knew that if she did not intervene, she was going to have to arrest one or both people, and likely take someone to the hospital. Through the window, she saw the husband lift his hand in an angry gesture, and she yelled freeze.

As she walked in to the house, she told the wife to go into the bedroom and wait for her. The husband turned on her in anger, and she placed her hand on her gun, saying the first things that popped into her mind:

“You have the right to shut up. If you choose to keep talking, anything you say can and most likely will be taken out of context and misquoted in a this and all future arguments with your spouse before, during, and after the divorce trial. You have the right to an attorney, although it won’t do you any good. If you cannot afford a good attorney, you will be requested and required to pay spousal support, child support, rehabilitative support to cover all costs of moving on after she dumps your sorry ass and reimbursement support for the trips to the Bahamas with her new lover…Xavier.”

The wife receive half of his assets and he gets to see his children on alternating weekends.

Never ask a Georgia grandma a question if you aren’t prepared for the answer

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’

She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’

She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.