Driving The Speed Limit

A trooper noticed a car full of elderly ladies driving 22 miles per hour down the highway and decided to stop them. As he pulled them over and approached the car, he noticed that they were all wild-eyed and shaking.

He got to the window and asked the driver “Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?” She replied, “No, Sir. I have no idea. I’ve been driving not a mile over the speed limit!”

The trooper said, “Ma’am, driving too slow is dangerous as well.” “Driving too slow?” She said, ”I’m driving the speed limit! 22 miles per hour! Just like the sign says”

The trooper said “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but that’s the highway number.”

As the little old lady looked around at her passengers, the trooper said “Ma’am, is everything OK with all y’all? I notice your passengers are all shaking and seem a bit upset.”

The little old lady replied, “They’ll be OK in a bit. Thanks. we just got off of Route 142.”

The Man and the Genie

A guy was in a cave looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said “I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double.” The man agreed, and said “I wish I had a mansion.” The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said “I would like a million dollars.” The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, “Scare me half to death.”

A Victim of the Government’s Shutdown

I don’t claim to understand everything about politics, but I do know stress. I know that stress can eat you alive making you crazy. That’s why I feel compassion for this house stenographer. It’s not her fault she went ape shit in front of her colleagues sounding off like a refugee from a T-Party religious boot camp.

See, she’s been under a lot of pressure. Her mind has been overwhelmed by the crap she’s had to write down over the past few weeks, and her pronouncements are only the results of the mental devastation she has had to endure. I hope the doctors give a lot of dictation in therapy so she can feel useful in the hospital.

As a side note, I had this mental image of her grabbing the gavel from the speaker, running around with a weird look on her face, whacking all the congressmen on the head with it. Think of that image while you listen to her rant and tell me you didn’t smile.

Grandma and the Banker

A little old lady went into the Bank one day carrying a bag of money. She asked to speak with the bank president to open an account because … “It’s a lot of money!” The reluctant staff finally ushered her into his office.

 

The bank president asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, “$165,000!” and dumped the cash on his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash,

 

He asked her, “Ma’am, where did you get this money?” The old lady replied, “I make bets.” The president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?” The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.”

 

“Ha!” laughed the president, “That’s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!” The old lady challenged, “So, would you like to take my bet?” “Sure,” said the president, “I’ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!” The old lady said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?” “Sure!” replied the confident president.

 

That night, he was very nervous about the bet and often checked his balls in the mirror. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: “$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!” The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. “Well, Okay,” said the president, “$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.”

 

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president said, “What’s wrong with your lawyer?” She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I’d have the Bank president’s balls in my hand!”